Random Wednesday

You're probably what Random Wednesday is and it is what it's named! I decided to have a series throughout my blog, called Random Wednesday simply because I'm probably the most random, A.D.D and strangest person you'll ever meet! I always have SO MUCH things that are always on my mind and I really just need to talk about it, let it out and go about my business.

What's been bugging me a lot lately is that, I've been really down and hard on myself. The thing about my personality is when I don't get something right or achieve what I want when I want, frustrates me to the max. I always want to be the best and sometimes I really just can't. For instance, I've been trying to find a reputable modeling agency for a few days now in Colorado and I just feel like I can't find one or that I'm not pretty enough, tall enough, talented enough etc. I admit I do get insecure about myself and myself keeps me from branching out sometimes. I really want to find the RIGHT modeling agency and want to be a Vans model to be in a campaign as soon as possible and that's exactly my problem. I have very little patience, stubborn and hard headed, that's my personality and is something I need to work on, but when I want to have modeling as a career it's hard.

Something that a lot of people don't know is that I do have depression and anxiety and for the last month or so I've been REALLY down. A little back story as to why I've been sad is that I thought I had this great life, living in Denver, thinking I had people who had my back and then literally having it taken all away from me, forcing me to go back and live with my parents. It's hard swollowing your pride and going back home, it's embarrassing to say the least. I feel like as soon as I feel as if I'm on top of the world, it turns upside down and I know it's life. I don't want this to be a pity part for Katie, but if you're sad, down and depressed you absolutely have to express it.

Since I'm on the topic of depression, I want people to get something out of this post and reach out to people who have it. I have a lot of tips to help you all out so I'll make a list for y'all and hopefully it will really help you in your personal life! 

Admit It To Yourself That You Struggle With Depression- Don't be in denial, as soon as you can sit back, say it and know in your heart you're depressed, the sooner you can get help.

Talk About It With Someone- In order to help yourself, you can't bottle it in. Personally, when I know I'm really going through a phase of depression, I go to my primary care doctor because I trust her, I've been her patient since I was about six years old, she knows me and she has my best interest. Even though I haven't been to an actual therapist, she's kind of like my therapist. After, I talk to her and seek help from her, I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulder. To be honest, I recommend if you're depressed, seek your primary care doctor and talk about your symptoms and what's making you upset and your doctor will help you whether it's through medication, a therapist or both. 

If you don't want to go to your doctor, a therapist or be put on medication, just talk to someone you trust and feel comfortable around. You need to talk about your feelings, as much as you might not enjoy it, you'll feel better after. Don't bottle up your emotions, letting them out feels good, take it from someone who likes to hold a lot of things in!

Keep Yourself Busy- Keeping yourself busy is something that helps me not think about what's going on in my life and keeps me from thinking about the negative thoughts I have. Having a job, modeling, blogging, hanging out with friends and family help keep me positive and happy, I suggest if you're suffering from depression, try something you're interested in, stay busy with a job, etc.

YOU Are The One Who Ultimately Chooses Whether To Help Yourself Or Not- It might sound a little harsh, but it's true. You're the one who makes the decision as to whether you want to get out of your dark tunnel or not. You have to be the one who wants the CHANGE in your life. Others can only do so much for you, they don't determine your happiness, you do. I've seen people struggle with depression, have therapists, are on medication, the whole shebang but don't seem to change. It is a hard thing to go through, I know. But, you need to want to help yourself and want to change yourself. Determine whether you want to change and be happy or want to stick to your same routine and not change your ways. 

STAY STRONG- From my heart to yours, you're not alone. You might feel alone and worthless but truly you're not. If you feel as if you need to take your life, please seek medical attention or call a suicide hotline. Here is the National Suicide Hotline Phone Number, 

1-800-273-8255

Your life is precious, you are beautiful, you have potential, you are worth it, you are not alone and if you just want someone to talk too, you can email me at 

callmekatiee.business@gmail.com

So, I guess that's it for my Random Wednesday post! I'll talk to you all tomorrow!

XOXO

Let's Talk Tuesday: Life After Gymnastics

My first day of gymnastics back in 1999!

DISCLAIMER: This is in no way shape or form seeking sympathy. I literally hate when people feel sorry for me, this is intended to tell my story and hopefully be able to show people that they're not alone, be relatable and give some advice to help! This blog is to help others, not seek attention :)

Back Story: (No pun intended) As an elite gymnast, you put a ton of stress on your body and don't stop when you're exhausted, that's the reality of the sport. I started gymnastics when I was a little over the age of four and that's what I breathed. I didn't care about school, music, making friends or anything. I cared about being the best gymnast in the state of Colorado and saw my future as a professional gymnast and going to the Olympics. I didn't fully "retire" from gymnastics until I was almost sixteen because I really thought I could make it on the national team without being too old without hitting puberty and getting my chance, then suddenly everything changed after a knee injury. For approximately the first six years of gymnastics, I was on a team with an instructor who didn't have the proper equipment like a higher end gym had. We practiced with about a half of an inch thick mats that were very stiff that we're places over the concrete floor, no rebound floor, no built in trampolines, and no foam pit. Basically, we had limited equipment that was next to nothing. We had some thicker mats that were placed after the vault and one to land on for round off back handsprings, just in case of the chance that we did happen to eat shit, it wouldn't hurt as bad. But, none the less, no matter what, if you fell your body would hit extremely hard and all of your weight would be absorbed into about a two inch thick, somewhat squishy mat and trust me, it wasn't the most pleasant thing to feel. I guess for me, not having the luxury of a state of the art gym equipment it built up my pain tolerance. Then, when I got a call from the best gym in the state that called my mom asking if I'd like to train at their gym because they saw potential in me, as soon as I saw their gym, falling didn't scare me one bit. But, through those seven years at a next to nothing "gym" practicing three times a week for four hours, it was slowly tearing apart my body. If I knew what I was going to experience what I have been now, I would of transferred to a state of the art gym as soon as I reached level 2. 

Life After Gymnastics: Though, I was still a very active person after retiring from the sport, my body finally hit puberty when I was at the age of 16 and that's when my entire life changed. I began to have knee problems from not having the right equipment for six years and having my knee dislocated that was the reason I ended my career with gymnastics. My cardiledge in my knees over the years has worn away and is painful but became so minor after I began to get the headache that turned my world upside down.

Headaches and Temporary Neck Parslysis: It was in the middle of my Junior year of High School when my life completely changed. I came home from school one day, as usual and began to get a headache. I didn't think anything of it until it gradually got worse and worse until I took some Tylenol and went to sleep. I woke up very early in the morning with an excruciating headache, couldn't move my neck, freaking the Hell out and at this point I was crying uncontroably and the pain literally wouldn't ease up, until my mom decided to give me a pain pill so I could get some sleep and relief. When I woke up again that next day, my head was still hurting, I couldn't turn on the lights, felt weak, didn't want to move or eat and laid in bed and slept. A day later, I finally told my parents to take me to the doctor immediately, I was put on migraine medication, birth control and heavy pain medication. The migraine medication failed and had an allergic reaction to almost all of them and the doctors the. thought I was having migraines due to my hormones, but that was ruled out from blood work. During that time, we had a tumor scare where my parathyroid glands were from the results of my blood tests for calcium and my parathyroid levels and then when I retested, it came back normal. Thankfully, I didn't need to get them removed! 

MRI and CT Scan Results/Neurologist: After about two and a half weeks of extremely painful headaches, I finally got an appointment from one of the best neurologists in the country, Dr. Viceck Baluja. I say he's the best because he listened, was compassionate, didn't talk to me like I was crazy, knew I was in a lot of pain and did everything he could to get my life back together and came to visit me when I was rushed into the hospital after he got off of his shift at a doctors office 20 minutes away to examine me, tell the other neurologists my history and to talk to me to keep me company for a bit. My first visit with Dr. Baluja, he examined my body from head to toe and ordered MRIs and CT Scans for my brain, cervical spine and lumbar spine and when the test results came back, it finally proved that I wasn't faking anything and that there was really something wrong. My MRI scan of my cervical spine (the neck), showed that my neck had grew wrong and is pretty uncommon. Instead of my neck having a slight "C" curve to it, it grew straight up and down like an "I" which made my Altas C1 rub up against my skull that causes friction and pinching off the nerve which makes me experience intense headaches and migraines. He also discovered through my lumbar spine MRI that my L3 disc was shriveled up and have an answer to the discomfort that I had right there. Another discovery that he found was that my legs were uneven, my hips grew unparalleled to each other and that I had a mild case of scoliosis. Then, that's when a ton of treatments and medication began. 

Treatments and Results: Let's just say, I've had a ton of treatments, some of them are way worse than others but I'm going to go through them chronologically!

1.) My first treatment I was given was going to physical therapy, to help regain the functions in my neck and muscle. It was probably the worst experience I've had for a treatment, simply because they used a method called "Deep Dry Needling" without me knowing what they were actually going to do. Deep Dry Needling is a form of acupuncture, but one of the most painful things you can do. The procedure is very basic, they take thicker needles that can be 5-7 centimeters long and are inserted in your trigger points that are found when your muscle spasms from the touch. Once the needles are in the specialist begins to tap on top of the needle and that's when the pain gets intense. I've never experienced so much pain from needles, it brought me to tears as much as I wanted to be tough and strong, but I couldn't. After about the fifth needle, I called it off because I couldn't stand the pain and walked out. Needless to say, I was traumatized and never came back again. There was no difference and didn't help one bit, if anything it made it worse!

2.) The second treatment I had were Cortisone Injections. This wasn't something I said, "oh go ahead, let's do it!" kind of deal. In fact, it was the exact opposite. When the option was given to me, I immediately said, thanks but no thanks since I was traumatized from the Deep Dry Needling. I had to think long and hard with my family to see if I really needed it or completely cross it off the list. About two weeks later, I decided that it could maybe possibly get me back to normal and that I could go on about my life. Cortisone Injections are safe in my opinion and did make a slight difference. For this procedure, I was totally put to sleep and out cold so I didn't have to feel a thing because I am very small and the needles were very large from what I was told. Dr. Baluja did this procedure and did six injections throughout my neck. When I woke up, my neck was totally stiff, was in pain and felt like my head wasn't attached too my body. But, there were some results from the injections and the Cortisone did take down the inflammation in my neck after about a week. I was still having severe headaches but my neck didn't seem as bad as it was! 

3.) After I was completely healed from the Corrisone shots, I was sent too an amazing Chripractor and Massage Therapist, so I could have some temporary relief which was great! Having a Chiropractor who is incredibly nice, one of the best in the state and has your best interest instead of your money, is very hard to find these days. My Chiropractor, Dr. Anderson is someone I fully recommend if you're in Colorado needing a chiropractor, you'll love her! We have a family friend, who has gone to school for Massage Therapy and about 5 minutes away from my house, so it wasn't a pain in the butt to get a massage once a week and let me tell you, massages are the best! With combination of going to the chiropractor and getting a massage my body felt way more relaxed and that's what I needed. 

4.) After about a year of seeing Dr. Baluja, he decided to leave the clinic and moved for a bigger opportunity and more education which definitely left me kind of just hanging there not knowing what to do. A couple months later, I was referred to a new neurologist who is also a very reputable Neurologist throughout the country and that's when we decided to start doing Botox Treatments. Botox you ask? Haha, yes Botox. Botox isn't only for enhancing your facial features and preventing wrinkles, in fact it's used to blocks chemical changes on nerve endings! The Botox is injected into my neck, shoulders, temples and between my eyebrows! I really recommend Botox if you have chronic migraines, it definitely helped my pain, took down the inflammation and helped me get my life under control! 

5.) Now, here's when my life really changed. I was sent to a pain specialist and I was put on a treatment that would be incredibly invasive, painful and emotionally draining but would really help my life and change it for the better. This treatment was Lidocaine Injections and reshaping my entire shoulder and neck structure by breaking apart the scar tissue and shaping the muscles by a certain massage techniques and instruments. Every Thursday for a little over two months, I would go in, get ten lidocaine injections injected into me throughout certain parts of my body where they were going to work on for that day and then go into another room where a doctor would start breaking away all of the scar tissue. Currently, I am the youngest patient they've seen at this facility and one of the worst cases they've seen with the amount of scar tissue from gymnastics that was formed. The lidocaine injections were literally nothing compared to the reshaping of my upper body and after each session the entire section worked on would be completely bruised and stiff. After the treatments on the next day, I'd have to go back into the office, follow up and then get an electric pulse and ultrasound massage to help with the bruising and pain. This treatment has really changed my life, I can now work, go out and not feel as much pain as I once did. 

Picture taken after my first treatment of Lidocaine Injections and breaking down the scar tissue on my shoulder blades in 2013

School: Now, you're probably wondering what was going on with school right? I was missing a ton of school during the last two years of Hogh School and was really struggling with keeping my grades up and being on track with everything. I'm not gonna lie, I was a good student, I did my work, got good grades, had perfect attendance during my Sophomore and my beginning of Junior year and was pretty smart like my peers. 98% of my class were college bound, took Honors and AP classes and in general pretty bright and intelligent people as much as I dislike a lot of them, they're pretty smart. When I started this journey, I definitely fell behind and was put on a 504 Plan that allowed me to work at my own pace and gave me some leeway if I needed more time to complete an assignment and the teachers had to accept my assignments if they were late. During this time, people were talking about me, saying I was faking it and really hurt me. One thing that I will never forget was when I was told by some of my Public Speaking classmates that the teacher was talking complete shit about me IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE CLASS when I was gone and in the hospital for my Cortisone Injection procedure. She literally had the nerve to get up in front of the class and say something along the lines of "Well Katie isn't here of course and she's just faking it because she doesn't want to be at school." That, literally crossed the line and both my Mom and Dad got involved, spoke to the counselor and principal and made a deal where if something else was said by this woman, her job would be ended right then and there. Nobody should have people talking behind their backs when they're legitamently sick and going through a lot at a young age. If any one of you are struggling with health problems and teachers are talking badly about you, get your parents involved and get them fired. No one needs to put up with that crap! 

Currently: Right now, my life is somewhat back to the way it used to be after the lidocaine treatments. I am definitely a happier person and I'm not as depressed. I do still get severe headaches and neck pain but it's something that I think I'm always going to have to deal with. Back in December, I got into a very bad car accident, completely totaled my car and smacked my head against the window and am now experiencing more neck pain with a possible herniated disc from the way it bulges out in my neck, but it can all be fixed! 

Advice For Everyone Who Struggles With Pain Physically and Emotionally: If any of you are struggling with severe pain, you need to see a doctor. I know specialists and treatments can be very very expensive, but you need to invest in your health if you want to better your life. You need to make sure, you're feeding your body properly, getting some exercise, following up with your doctors and getting checked from head to toe regularly to prevent things that could be fatal. One trick that was taught to me by Dr. Baluja is called Biofeedback where you begin to relax, deeply breathing and focusing on a specific image, (I personally imagine like a blue sun) and going into a meditation where I let go of the negative emotions. This trick definitely helps and I recommend it everyone whether you're in pain, stressed out or none of the above. It helps you find inner peace and helps you forget about your worries and pain. Thinking positively is something you need to do, at the end of the day focus on one or two things that made a positive impact on you, instead of wallowing in all of the things you're upset about. For the first couple of years of the headaches, I was so depressed, lost a few friends, was going through a break up and felt like nothing was going right. I decided to pick myself up, brush off and surround myself with people who love me and supported me, so I recommend doing the same! It's okay to be a little sad at times, but don't let it take over your life. I believe that if you're depressed, you have the decision to either make it worse or turn it around and become happy! Nothing happens over night, it's all going to take time to heal. 

Advice For Gymnasts: 

Make sure to go to a GOOD gym with rebound floors, trampolines, proper mats and equipment! Don't settle for anything less unless you want to go through a ton of painful problems when you get older! If someone says you can't do something, prove them wrong! :) 

If any of you need someone to talk too, you can find me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram!

Facebook: www.facebook.com/KatieKurbstomp94

Or

www.facebook.com/callmeekatiee

Twitter:

www.twitter.com/kallmekatiee

Instagram:

www.instagram.com/callmeekatiee

Don't forget to add, like and follow me! Love you all! I have a review that'll be up tomorrow on an eye cream! ❤️

XOXO

Relationships

In the spirit of Valentine's Day, I thought I'd talk about a few things that can possibly help some of you out there! I'm not a relationship professional or anything like that, but I do I have some useful advice and tips to keep a healthy relationship. I haven't had a "real" relationship in a VERY long time and have been "single" for a few years now, but it's not something that is made the number one priority in my life. So, here is my how to keep and have a healthy relationship from day one or maybe even save your relationship!

Step One: LOVE YOURSELF FIRST! Now, I believe you have to love yourself first before you can love anybody else. You ask why? Because I find when someone doesn't love themselves and aren't happy with who they are on the outside AND inside, they become insecure about not being good enough for their partner. Jealousy also comes in the way with the relationship, when the significant other isn't happy with themselves and causes controlling of the other person, no one likes being controlled. Stop looking at others that you feel like you have to compete with. That's not sexy or attractive you guys!

Step Two: BE HONEST ABOUT EVERHTHING!

You both need to be open books with one another and any kind of relationship in general. It's key. If you build up a relationship on lies, who are you kidding, is that living life? If you're on a bed of lies and have to keep lying, that's stupid  honestly. You can not sneak around being shady, that's the worst kind of trait a person can have and that's the truth. If you can not be honest and comfortable telling the truth to a significant other, you shouldn't be with them. Relationships are about being comfortable and honest with one another. The more you lie, the more you hurt the other person and that's not fair.

Step Five: RESPECT EACH OTHER! 

If you don't have full respect for that person, your relationship isn't going to be all smiles and love. Being disrespectful obviously leads to arguments. Respect each other's property, decisions, morals and everything you can think of because being disrespectful is one of the worst things a person can do, in my own opinion it's horrible and I have learned that from experiencing it.

Step Four: HAVE COMMON INTERESTS AND OUTLOOKS ON LIFE!

I feel like this is common sense but, I've seen people get into a relationship for the solo fact that they think a person is attractive and have nothing in common with them. What I find happens when this comes into play, is constantly arguing and fighting because the couple does not see eye to eye on anything. I'm not saying a couple has to have everything in common, I'm asking how can you have a true conversation if there's no common interest about anything on any subject? What I also find what happens is that the relationship is extremely awkward and a lot of tension is caused between the two people because of the fighting and not understanding one another. Seriously, how can that make you happy when you can't even talk about something you're interested in and the other person doesn't even care? It's unhealthy in my opinion, not to mention shallow and frustrating! I think having common interests and similar outlooks can really make a relationship strong, since the couple understands from where one is coming from and can talk about what they enjoy and not having a hard time trying to find a topic to talk about.

Step Five: DON'T BE ATTACHED TO THE HIP LIKE CONJOINED TWINS!

Now, I'm guilty of doing this and I think a lot of couples are. Being an individual is something that you need to embrace every once in awhile, that's for sure. Of course if you're married you are going to be around that person for maybe forever, but this applies to dating, marriage a domestic relationship, etc. Getting some space for yourself, maybe going out with some friends for a weekend, going to the spa by yourself or anything that separates you from your significant other, I believe is healthy. When you're constantly with someone 24/7 chances are, you're going to get annoyed, fight, meltdown and could potentially lead to a break up. Y'all aren't conjoined so go out and do something that doesn't involve the person you are with! It's okay! You gotta do you sometimes!

Step Six: DON'T BE CONTROLLING!

No one likes being controlled. Being told what to do, what not to do, making your significant other your pet is something that no one should ever have to put up with. That falls in the categories of disrespect, jealousy, not loving yourself and maybe even being attached to the hip. You see, your significant other is NOT your dog, so don't treat them like it. Treating them like that is stupid, you're not their parent. Don't ever let anyone control you. Do what you want and be the individual you are! 

I think these six steps can really make a difference in a relationship or even save a relationship! I hope one day someone buys into my mess of a life but until then, I hope I can help others with my advice from personal experiences and reach out to help someone's "love life," and being there for all of you!! I don't think I'm an expert one bit, but I think these few things can help!